If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
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He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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