nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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