I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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