I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
