ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
