The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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