Don't make out with my wife yet
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
