I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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