Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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