so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
