woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
