I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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