So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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