Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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