Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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