i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
