Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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