and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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