The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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