Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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