I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
