We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
