I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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