If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
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Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
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All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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