if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Bring me that man meat
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
