i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
