I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My penis needs a shock collar
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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