The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
