you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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