my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we're making bets on your personal life
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
