She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
