we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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