i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
