I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
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just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
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You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong