i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.