I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
whose parrot is this?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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