The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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