I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
