FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
