thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
ok first of all what the fuck
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
