hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
