don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize