and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
