after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
