I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
