The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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