So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
