did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
