when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
handjob tips. give me some.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
