Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
