his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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