Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
God, I missed his penis.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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