he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
