Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
