Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
