Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
