Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
