So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
