i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
