areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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