FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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