I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
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She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
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Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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