how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
